What are you afraid of?.
(Silence)
But, What do you fear?.
(Long silence)
lot of people accompanying you. Many people
.
Too many people.
(Silence)
have friends.
have many friends.
I am sad, the future is hopeless and nothing will get better. I'm bored and dissatisfied with everything, I am a complete failure as a person, I am guilty, and I'm being punished, I am guilty, very guilty. Sometimes I could be able to mourn, but now I am beyond tears, sometimes could be capable. I lost interest in others and have lost on me. I can not make decisions, I can not eat, I can not sleep, I can not think, I can not overcome my loneliness, or my fear or my disgust, I can not write, I can not love, I can not make love, I can not take no I can be alone, I can not be with others.
I had a night in which everything is revealed to me when I visited depression. I do not want to live, and I'm quite aware of my mortality, but not want to die, I'm jealous of people who can sleep, and when they wake up they envy my sleepless nights, where I think, about me, mostly, I think. People are lucky not to know its truth, for my part the pain is becoming my normality. Someone touches, touches me there, and the injury some time ago opens, expands, images, sounds, hands, many hands, opens, expands, but again, back to the blank room containing each of my parties, and everything is meaningless, if it makes no sense, but I will not die.
"Sometimes I like to keep your scent, and you think, and feel close, and know that you exist, and I can not hold back, I have to express what I feel, to express these damn feelings that are nested inside of me , those feelings that are rooted in my fucking inside, and do not know how you can not feel anything for me, when I feel all this for you. And I look, and you know, never in my life I had no problem with giving others what they want, but no one could do that for me, nobody touches me, no one comes near me, but you've inadvertently touched me so deeply that I think it's a dream, and I look, but I can not find you, and start to believe that I love someone that does not exist, you do not exist. And I hate you, hate you for rejecting me, I hate you for making me feel bad about myself, I hate you, hate you despise my love, and hate God for making me love a person who does not exist. "
I'm dead , and I have nothing to say about my illness ... People love me what destroys me, love the pathology that is generated in the folds of my mind, and the reason I am invited to believe that there is an objective reality where my body and mind are one, but I'm not here and have never been one. I asked the same questions, wanting to put words in my mouth, but only managed to drown in your fucking shame, your truth, your lies, not mine. This is not a world in which I live, nothing will give me back the faith.
Drowned in the cold pool of my inner intangible sunk in the pit of my mind. I have to be me, but hope you can not get up anymore, but I have to be me, after this morning I will not, not exist, just, everything is over, we reached the end of this dirty history if the end of this sad and dirty history ... I've been awake for a long time, but I will not die.
(Silence)
not think what this is all just a cry for help?.
(Silence)
"Even if it were, do not think anyone would listen."
I think someone will listen.
(Silence)
"Do you hate all people unhappy or have special contempt for me?".
not despise you, it's not your fault ...
"I am depressed but of course you do not know that depression is ... (Silence) depression is anger, are the things you did and did not do well, are the mistakes, anger, guilt and clear is also to blame. "
And who's to blame? .
(Silence)
(Silence)
But, What do you fear?.
(Long silence)
lot of people accompanying you. Many people
.
Too many people.
(Silence)
have friends.
have many friends.
I am sad, the future is hopeless and nothing will get better. I'm bored and dissatisfied with everything, I am a complete failure as a person, I am guilty, and I'm being punished, I am guilty, very guilty. Sometimes I could be able to mourn, but now I am beyond tears, sometimes could be capable. I lost interest in others and have lost on me. I can not make decisions, I can not eat, I can not sleep, I can not think, I can not overcome my loneliness, or my fear or my disgust, I can not write, I can not love, I can not make love, I can not take no I can be alone, I can not be with others.
I had a night in which everything is revealed to me when I visited depression. I do not want to live, and I'm quite aware of my mortality, but not want to die, I'm jealous of people who can sleep, and when they wake up they envy my sleepless nights, where I think, about me, mostly, I think. People are lucky not to know its truth, for my part the pain is becoming my normality. Someone touches, touches me there, and the injury some time ago opens, expands, images, sounds, hands, many hands, opens, expands, but again, back to the blank room containing each of my parties, and everything is meaningless, if it makes no sense, but I will not die.
"Sometimes I like to keep your scent, and you think, and feel close, and know that you exist, and I can not hold back, I have to express what I feel, to express these damn feelings that are nested inside of me , those feelings that are rooted in my fucking inside, and do not know how you can not feel anything for me, when I feel all this for you. And I look, and you know, never in my life I had no problem with giving others what they want, but no one could do that for me, nobody touches me, no one comes near me, but you've inadvertently touched me so deeply that I think it's a dream, and I look, but I can not find you, and start to believe that I love someone that does not exist, you do not exist. And I hate you, hate you for rejecting me, I hate you for making me feel bad about myself, I hate you, hate you despise my love, and hate God for making me love a person who does not exist. "
I'm dead , and I have nothing to say about my illness ... People love me what destroys me, love the pathology that is generated in the folds of my mind, and the reason I am invited to believe that there is an objective reality where my body and mind are one, but I'm not here and have never been one. I asked the same questions, wanting to put words in my mouth, but only managed to drown in your fucking shame, your truth, your lies, not mine. This is not a world in which I live, nothing will give me back the faith.
Drowned in the cold pool of my inner intangible sunk in the pit of my mind. I have to be me, but hope you can not get up anymore, but I have to be me, after this morning I will not, not exist, just, everything is over, we reached the end of this dirty history if the end of this sad and dirty history ... I've been awake for a long time, but I will not die.
(Silence)
not think what this is all just a cry for help?.
(Silence)
"Even if it were, do not think anyone would listen."
I think someone will listen.
(Silence)
"Do you hate all people unhappy or have special contempt for me?".
not despise you, it's not your fault ...
"I am depressed but of course you do not know that depression is ... (Silence) depression is anger, are the things you did and did not do well, are the mistakes, anger, guilt and clear is also to blame. "
And who's to blame? .
(Silence)
"I".
21 - Oct. - 2008
1:39 a.m.
Barqto - Vzla
